What's in a Title...

The title of this blog is a quote.
"I don't think you'll ever be satisfied."

People have asked me if it was a quote from one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies or something like that, probably because I had it artfully displayed on my myspace page beneath a black and white photograph of various pirate memorabilia I own.

In truth, it comes from a much less well known source. My English teacher in high school said it to me one day towards the beginning of my senior year. I don't really remember much of the context. I said something, she said something, I said something else and she said:
"Kate, I don't think you will ever be satisfied."
I was surprised by how true her words seemed. I may be happy someday, but that is clearly different from being satisfied.

And now, I'm dropping the Education major and I've no idea what I'm doing with my life. I am seeking satisfaction. I am seeking the impossible.

Lead of Love

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee

-Caedmon's Call-

Welsh Week.

Here I am, finally expressing the details about one of the most amazing weeks of my life. Its strange, Wales was one of the most important things that's ever happened to me yet for some reason since I've gotten back, I really don't think I've talked about it all that much. I think the details are so expansive, I sometimes don't know how to keep it short.



So here goes, a summary of my trip:
We arrived in London at some evening time and began our 3 hour drive out to the church we were staying at in Pentrebach, Wales. It was dark by the time we reached the country of Wales but looking out at the dimly lit villages, I could tell I was already in love with the place.
We got dropped off about a block away from the church because the roads are to small for our bus to travel up. We carried our duffel bags up to the church in silence, and inside found a poster welcoming us:The next day we had tea time hosted by the church we were sleeping at and met some wonderful people. Everyone in Wales is just so gracious, its amazing.

On Sunday, we ran the church service. Its amazing how excited the Welsh get when the Americans arrive. Unreal. After church, a Welsh family took me and Marissa to their home for lunch, where they gave us way too much delicious food and I thought I was going to explode. Afterwards, we went on a beautiful walk

The next day was Monday, and we began our non stop week of assemblies in various schools in Wales. These were done in public schools (because you can do that in Wales). We'd open with a song (like Allelu Allelu Allelu Alleluia, Praise ye the Lord!... which sometimes they'd sing in Welsh) and then we'd do a skit about Esther with the song I've got Confidence built in, and then another song (Deep and Wide) and then Amanda would give a mini-testimony. Afterwards we'd get to go into the classrooms and answer any questions the kids might have. They were so cute... here are a few of my favorites (under the photo of us at the last school we went to).
Are you in the film industry? (apparently all Americans are.)
Do you know a lot of gangsters?
Do you believe in God and Jesus? (YES)
Is the Terminator really the governor of California?
Do you want Hilary in '08?
Can you count to 10 in the American language?
Do you know where the Tipton (from the Suite Life of Zach and Cody) is?

Also, my group got to go into comp (high) schools as well. There we'd get to teach an RE (religious education) Class. We'd begin by doing a sort of Whose Line? skit, where one of us (either Jeremiah or Alun) would be the host of a party and we'd give 3 kids from the classroom ridiculous fears to act out (fear of touch, fear of food, fear of light, fear of walking). Then we'd have them shout out childhood fears and after that we'd have them write down their current fears. To this we got some interesting responses, ranging from blood, to dying, to not being accepted, to "the girl in the green jumper" (ie me). Then we'd break into small groups, which is where the really interesting discussions happened. We'd talk about our fears and how we deal with them and I'd say how my faith has helped me and things could get very interesting and very deep very quickly, since none of these kids were Christians.


We also got to do some tourist-y things, like visit Caerphilly Castle!

We spent some time working with the church kids and I have so many stories I could tell...
The last night we hosted the youth group event and also got involved in some amazing conversations. At the end, we really did not want to leave...
It was so hard saying goodbye to all the kids and to Alun, the youth worker and most amazing man alive who helped us throughout the week...

After Wales, we went to London, got a bus tour, and then, due to snow in Boston, got to stay 2 extra nights, giving us time to chill out in the city.



I wish words could express how amazing my week was...

Save the Wales!

I'm going to be in Wales on a missions trip until next Saturday.
I will tell you all about it when I get back.
Pray for the team, it would be appreciated.

Labels I Have Worn

I label people. You label people. We all label people and get labeled. It's inevitable. I have been labeled both correctly (pig, Christian, lazybum) and incorrectly (genius, anorexic, teacher's pet). Most of the correct labels I've welcomed and even encouraged. The incorrect one's generally get me pretty annoyed, even if some (ie. genius) may be seen as flattering. Here are three of the labels from my past, which are neither wholy correct or incorrect, but each very important.


JesusFreak
This was me in middle school. A full out 100% Jesus Freak. This is back when I lived in Jersey, fifth and sixth grade. I was marching to the beat of a different drum then the rest of my grade (save for Alex and Amanda who were JFing right there with me) and I was damn proud of it. With a WWJD bracelet around my wrist and Jesus' love in my heart, I was the continuous inviter of the masses to the after school group R.O.C. (Reach Out for Christ). I'd scrawl dcTalk lyrics in my notebooks and nothing made me happier than when someone would call me a JesusFreak. When everyone else was naming their favorite band as Blink182, I would proudly declare the Newsboys ("Oh, they're a Christian rock band. Yeah, Christian ROCK. Its awesome.") as mine. I had about 10 WWJD bracelets in assorted colors, I tried to use my F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely on God) pencil as much as possible, because shoving my believes through things like pencils and bracelets seemed like the best option at the time. I would debate with people (I can remember one girl asking me why I'd want to do what Jesus would do, why Jesus didn't want us to be our own person, and me trying to get through to her that Jesus always made the right decisions and we should decide as He did.). I'd have it out with my Catholic friends (of which there were many, even Alex was a Catholic) about their habit of praying to Mary. And for awhile, it worked beautifully for me. Amanda and I carried around metal crosses in our pockets, which we'd pull out during times of trouble (like the oh-so-endangering history test). I needed everyone to know I was a Christian and everyone did. And I was extremely satisfied with life. But with the move to Maine, I was tired of being constantly rejected and I didn't want the first impression everyone had of the new kid to be a bad one, a kid you avoid. So I can remember running one of my WWJD bracelets through my fingers as I got ready for the first day of school in Boothbay and then finally putting it away, deciding to live my faith in a quieter, less agressive way.
I still don't know if that was the right choice.

Bitch
This label was first pressed on me freshman year of high school, I believe. The two people who were then my best friends had stopped talking to me and started avoiding me and I had no idea why. After a lot of work, I pressed it out of one of them in an IM conversation.
"You were being a bitch."
Oh. Wow. Okay, so that hurts. And I was angry, not because of the label, but because they hadn't told me sooner. Now if anyone who wasn't around during that time of my life is ready this and thinking "Oh poor Ryn (or Kate or whatever you know me by)!", don't. Because they were right, I was being a bitch. I was pushing those kids around like they were my property. I was mean and nasty and bossy and abusive. But I genuinely didn't realize it was bothering them. I know, I'm an idiot, right? Yes. But now they'd told me and everything became so much clearer. It still was painful to realize that's who I was and while some of us may throw the word "bitch" around, there are few things more hurtful than when one of your friends labels you as thus and truly means it. So now that I had the label, I had to do something, right? Well I did lighten up on my friends a bit. But I was still me, so I still hit and snapped at people. Only now, I was the one to use the label "bitch". If I said it first, it had no power when other people said it. Normally if I used it on myself, people would come to my defense rather than agreeing with me. I think this was worst during freshmen and sophomore year. Maybe. After that I still wasn't happy-go-lucky, but I was just generally pessimistic instead of attacking individuals.

Pessimist
I cannot tell you how hard I fought this at the time. Voting for Senior Superlatives was going on and somehow my class had determined I should be the lucky girl labeled as Class Pessimist. Everytime I saw someone filling out their voting ballot, I would beg them not to put me as Pessimist. I didn't want it, didn't see myself as that. I even had my friend Wade right me undr the Optimist category hoping the two would cancel out. I had a campaign against my pessimistic label going and I lost.
And then I changed my mind. If they were going to label me as Class Pessimist, I would accept and embrace. I paid more attention to the words I used and realized they were pretty accurately labeling me anyway. I let them take my photo for the yearbook and then let them pay for their choice.
"Kate, why are you in such a bad mood?"
"Hey, you voted me class pessimist, I'm just trying to live up to the title."
I still use it as an excuse for my negativity at times. Its become part of me, despite my earlier fight. I don't mind it. I don't think I really am pessimistic, I do have good days, good friends and an overall good life. I just talk pessimistically and you know what? I love it.

Three Fourths

We are three quarters of the way through this school year.
Just stop and think about that for a second.

Freshman year of college has got to be one of the most eventful experiences in anyone's life. Eventful isn't the word I'm looking for... I mean in terms of changes, changes of outlooks, changes of location, changes in friends...

Changes in friends. That's an interesting one. After orientation week, many people clung to what they knew, clutching one or two orientation friends, and the LaVida kids clinging to one another. Slowly as time went on and we were finally able to meet the people on our floors, in our classes and our roommates (did any one else have very little time to talk to their roommates during orientation week?), we realized that the people we gravitated so quickly to may not be right for us and we may not be right for them. So we shifted. And we are still shifting, but settling too. We are finding our places here, finding the people who need us as much as we need them.

That is an important aspect isn't it? "People who need us as much as we need them"? None of us wants an uneven friendship. Its generally painful when you find out the person you considered your closest friend holds someone in higher regard than yourself. That seems to sum up my high school experience to be honest. Among other words and phrases that I throw around without fully meaning them (such as the ever popular "I'm going to kill you" or the more colorful "I'm going to gouge out your left eye"), was the phrase "Best friend." I can't tell you how many people I've labeled my "best friend," but I can tell you that it's been way too many. I go with the feeling at the time. If I've just told them one of my secrets, I label them best friend as quickly as possible, because a best friend would never betray, right? If we've been spending a significant amount of time together, I label them my best friend. And I never revoke the title. I still consider nearly all the people I've labeled best friends to be my best friends, even if I haven't seen them in years. Rather absurd, I know.

I suppose maybe I need to be more thoughtful and purposeful with my words and only say what I mean. But as I've learned over and over again, I am terrible at changing.

A New Start

I know, like I need another distraction right?

But for some reason, I wanted a new blog. I had a xanga, but it had so much... history and nonsense and I only wrote on it when there was something I wanted people from Boothbay to know. So down with the old up with the new.

Today...

I knew it was going to be a bad day when I woke up with "Seasons of Love" in my head (yes, it's still there). Follow that up with some hum-drum classes and this morning was... less than fabulous. But things got better, which they always do despite the fact that I never believe they will. The class of 2006 labeled me as their Class Pessimist and I have definately lived up to the title. Now I'm sitting here wondering how faithful I'll be to posting on the blog or if anyone will bother reading it and wondering if I actually care, since I'm doing this for my own gratification anyway.

I suppose I'll (and you'll) just have to wait and see.
I hate waiting.