Upgrade!

(roommate and i, so ready for christmas)

So I changed the blog around. Because I was tired of the old. Out with the old, in with the new!


And I changed the title, to the well known phrase: My life is a shrimpboat.

At least, its well known in the Brunell family. My dad is so weird...


16 days 2 hours 41 minutes until Christmas.

Christmas Spirit

I'm so excited about Christmas!

Lots of Christmas music, parties, decorating, winter walks, tree lightings...

Which means I'm probably going to fail my finals. : )

On Turning 20

1/5 of the way to 100
Two decades
Halfway to a midlife crisis








Really, not all that exciting when you think about it.

Time flies... regardless.

Quad one is through. As in, I'm a quarter of the way through with my sophomore year.

And its been interesting. I won't lie and say its always been fun, there have definitely been some difficult moments. But time has still gone by so quickly. Its a little frightening, really. Its seems like the older you get, the faster time goes by, and I'm no where near old.


Although, I'll be 20 in less than a month. That sounds kind of old. Depending on your perspective. From my perspective, it seems old.

Hello. Hello? Hello.

Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in a million different directions, like you just want to laugh and scream but you'll probably just end up exploding or imploding or something horrible like that and there is absolutely no reason for you to feel that way?

Well that's kind of how I am right now. I'm going to go pull out my hair now.

I hate when school gets in the way of life.

I had two exams yesterday
and a presentation today.
4 hours of sleep
skipped meals
and now,
freedom?

Somehow, I doubt it.

Hello.

I feel as if I've been ignoring you. Its not you, really. Its me.
You see, I'm involved in 8 million different things. And I happen to be quite fond of these things, so you get pushed aside.
First of all, there's school. Classes, homework. I currently am in classes for about 17 hours a week, which may not sound like much, but trust me it is. Then the homework I'm given amounts to probably... oh I don't know, 2 or 3 hours a night? More depending on the day and how much of this homework I actually do.
Despite this abundance of work, I'm quite nearly enjoying classes. Psych interests me quite a bit, which is good considering its my major. Printmaking, which consists of a three hour class and a two hour lab, is just getting started but seems like its going to be a lot of fun and is something new for me. Also, art is my second major so its nice when I enjoy those classes.
Another time eater? That would be work. Yes, I got a job in the mailroom, putting letters in mailboxes, getting students their packages (of which I never get any by the way) and listening to random music, which makes the time go much faster. I work Tuesdays and Thursdays, 11:30-1:05, then I have a class, then I go back to work 3-4:30 or so. So, its a chunk of time but hey, money is money.
I think the last major thing eating my time is REACH. Reach is the drama ministry I'm co-leading this year. As we're in mid-process of gathering members and getting started, I don't feel like I can say too much here other than a lot of planning has gone into this. And I don't mind, I am so passionate about this ministry, I cannot tell you how excited I am. Honestly, after the Info Meeting, I had some of my friends come up to me and tell me that they had never seen me so excited or happy.

Oh my. Its raining. Well, I'm off to find my rainboots.

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”- Isaiah 46:4

I am exhausted. I need sustaining.

Here Again

Words cannot describe how incredibly awesome it is to be back here.

I am so blessed.

(Please note: this good mood may not last once classes start :-P)

16 Days

16 days
16 days
16 days



And I have no idea what to expect anymore.

Thunderstorms

... are one of my favorite things ever.

My Sense of Loss is Broken

Should I be concerned
that I was more upset
over the loss of
a Harry Potter character
then I was when my
step-grandmother died
even if I
hadn't heard from her
in years?

Psalm 116

1 I love the LORD, because He has heard
My voice and my supplications.
2 Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

3 The pains of death surrounded me,
And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me;
I found trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called upon the name of the LORD:
“O LORD, I implore You, deliver my soul!”

5 Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;
Yes, our God is merciful.
6 The LORD preserves the simple;
I was brought low, and He saved me.
7 Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

8 For You have delivered my soul from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from falling.
9 I will walk before the LORD
In the land of the living.
10 I believed, therefore I spoke,
“I am greatly afflicted.”
11 I said in my haste,
“All men are liars.”

12 What shall I render to the LORD
For all His benefits toward me?
13 I will take up the cup of salvation,
And call upon the name of the LORD.
14 I will pay my vows to the LORD
Now in the presence of all His people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
Is the death of His saints.

16 O LORD, truly I am Your servant;
I am Your servant, the son of Your maidservant;
You have loosed my bonds.
17 I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,
And will call upon the name of the LORD.

18 I will pay my vows to the LORD
Now in the presence of all His people,
19 In the courts of the LORD’s house,
In the midst of you, O Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD!

Top Ten Things People Say at Palabra that Make Me Want to Punch Them

10) That's alright, I'm just browsing.
I don't know why this irks me so much but, okay, I say, "Just let me know if I can help you with anything." And you respond with this? I KNOW you're just browsing! Probably about 90% of people who end up buying things are "just browsing". So don't act like you won't need my help, instead when I say "Let me know if...", you say, "Alright, I will, thanks." Okay? Okay.


9) Oh, is this the guard dog?
Oh aren't you oh-so-funny, pretending the little chihuahua is a fierce guard dog! Yeah, I've heard it about 800 million times, so shut up.

8) Wow! This place just keeps on going and going!
I know. This is my 6th summer at the shop. I'm pretty familiar with the set-up.

7) My cat's bigger than that dog!
EVERYONE'S CAT IS BIGGER THAN BELLE! SHE'S A FREAKIN' CHIHUAHUA! Seriously people, everyone says it.

6) You live here all year round?! What do you do in the winter?
I'm sorry? I live in Maine, not Antarctica. What do you do in the winter?! Well, I probably do the same. The lives of people in Boothbay does not revolve around tourists, like you seem to think. Idiot.

5) Sneezing in the morning! Earliest sign of pregnancy!
Okay, so I've only had this said to me once. I had a sneezing fit and some middle aged man said this to me, then "Haha, just kidding." And then he walked away. Uh, what?

4) Is that your daughter?
Okay, so this summer, my boss' niece started working at the shop. And she has a daughter named Sophia. And her and her daughter live in an apartment above the shop, so naturally Sophie is around a lot. And she's a real cutie, so sometimes, she'll sit on my lap behind the counter. And people keep asking if she's my daughter. SHE'S SEVEN! That means, I would have had her when I WAS TWELVE! WHAT THE HECK PEOPLE?!

3) I used to have one of those!
I hear this so many times when people are looking at antiques. Yes, you used to have one and so did a lot of people. But if everyone had kept them, they wouldn't be worth jack, and we wouldn't have them in the shop. So it doesn't really matter you didn't hold on to it, because if you had, it would probably be worthless. Make sense?

2) I thought this was an antique shop...
Okay, why can people only read 1/2 of the signs out front? They say, Antiques, Gifts, Collectibles. So, we have more than antiques. Also, they say 10 rooms full, so stop telling me the shop is bigger than it looks, since we actually have less rooms open than the sign claims.

1) I just want to see how much that costs...
No, this isn't said by people wanting to buy things. This is said by people who already own the antiques we're selling. They want to see how much they're worth. Well guess what? We're an antique shop, so we have customers. Good luck finding someone to buy your piece for the price we're charging! Plus the fact that I would say 75% of the time, you're mistaken, and maybe you own a piece similar to the one in the shop, but its probably not exactly the same. And I think its really rude to make me get an expensive antique from the back of the case when you're not interesting in buying it. We're a shop, not a reference book, for crying out loud!

New England Weather

I love it. I love Maine's crazy weather.
This morning I woke up and got dressed for work and I was absolutely boiling. I mean, it felt like it was mid-80s. Which is wasn't, it was 70, but it felt so much hotter.
I got to work at 11. Soon it had cooled off nicely, I mean just a perfect temperature.
And then it got dark. And windy. And there was lots of thunder and lightening, but no rain.
And Deborah, my co-worker was standing on the porch, holding her hands out because it looked like it should be raining, and all of a sudden... the sky just opened up.
I mean, it didn't start sprinkling and then get harder quickly, it started pouring immediately.
So, I stood at the window and watched. And then, hail. Tiny little pieces of hail. And more rain.
And then, it stopped, and the sun came out, and the birds were singing and it was warm and smelled good and it was just perfect.

So, let's review:
Hot
Cool
Windy
Lightening
Thunder
Rain
Hail
Sunny

Fantastic : )

7 Years

Today is the 7th anniversary of when I moved to Boothbay

and my father's birthday.
Coincidence? I think not.


Moving to Maine was his present. But I guess its worked out for the best.

Things that Make me Smile

Coffee. Here. With you.

Two concerts on the horizon.
One in Boothbay :-D
(Look! You can see me in this picture!)

My coat, my gun, general sweetness on the Bounty.


Also:
Days off
Visits from friends
Sitting at Ocean Point
Lunch by the footbridge
Phone calls
and of course,
Dancing in the rain.

Update

How go the summer goals?

No channel surfing. If the tv's on, I know what I'm watching.

Success. My only show is basically Pirate Master, which, while trashy, I feel obligated to watch

Create at least one piece of art worth framing

Begun, hopefully it will actually be worth framing.

Get to the beach at least one time

Er... who would want to go to the beach in this weather?

Read a minimum of three books

Began book numero one and if things stay this slow at the store, I'll have lots o' reading time.

Exercise. I mean it.

Crunches anyone?

Keep in touch with the people I keep complaining are too far away

I am the queen of phone calls.

Make an effort to see the people who aren't as far away but I take for granted

I do what I can but people really need to answer their phones.

Enough Already.

Hi.
This is me, snapping out of it.
This is me realizing pouting about not being at Gordon is not going to get me there. This is me being a big girl, taking a deep breath, sucking it up, and making the most of what I've got.
This is me remembering God is good even when I don't get my way. Even when I'm lonely, bored, aggravated, hurt. This is me being thankful.

Summer doesn't have to be as bad as I claim.

What I need to do is take the initiative to make it a good summer.

Simple Goals:
No channel surfing. If the tv's on, I know what I'm watching.
Create at least one piece of art worth framing
Get to the beach at least one time
Read a minimum of three books
Exercise. I mean it.
Keep in touch with the people I keep complaining are too far away
Make an effort to see the people who aren't as far away but I take for granted

This is me, doing better, getting stronger, making progress.

What I Miss.

I miss Gordon. I think everyone knows that, because I'm whiny and a little mopey and kind of a brat about it. I'm sorry, I'm really not trying to insult everyone in Boothbay everytime someone asks me if I'm glad to be home. I just have a problem with honesty. As in, I don't really like pretending, I don't really like lying. So I get asked if I'm glad to be home, and I'll either avoid the question or just sort of make a face that says it all.
Anyhow, that's completely off topic of what I was actually going to say. What I was going to talk about was what I miss. I miss how easily entertained we were and how some of the best moments were just us being silly. I was talking to a friend today about our different college experiences and I think she seemed really surprised when I told her I didn't drink my freshmen year of college, at all. Because my friends were too busy doing things like this: Yes, we entertained ourselves by seeing how many people we could fit on Austin's bunked bed. We got to ten. That's me, peaking out behind the shoulder of Kristina (in the grey Gordon Swimming shirt). Anyway, good times. Including such moments as: Austin almost falling off because he was being tickled, us yelling after every person who walked down the hall, someone yelling "Everyone touch Ryn!" and suddenly me having 9 people's hands on me (this was not actually a good moment, it was just weird.) I just miss these kids... and these strange times.

A Change Will Do You Good.

Before
Look at all that hair! Ahh!
After.
I mean, come on, I've been promising to cut my hair to donate for like, 18 months now. So really, its about time.

Summer...

This photo expresses my excitement for warm weather.
I'm going to ignore all the other things that come with summer and just focus on the warm weather for now. :-)

Homesick

Something strange happened today.
I missed home.
I never get homesick. I never wish I was in Boothbay. I'm sorry, its true.
But today, while I was at Lynch Park with my floor, walking along the beach, I breathed in deep. And that salty air... they always say that the sense of smell is the one closest connected to memory. And it smelled like home. And I missed home.
And even last weekend, when I was in Boothbay, as I drove around Ocean Point, I remembered why I loved it so much. It really is one of the most beautiful places in the world.
And I miss it. I miss the ocean. My ocean.
So maybe, just maybe, I'm ready for summer.
But don't quote me on that.

Barrington Love...

I was up in Barrington, the art building, until almost 1am last night. I had to redo this project, and it had to be done by 9am today. I was tired and frustrated and less then thrilled about the situation.

So at 10pm, after seeing Enchanted April, which, by the way, was fantastic, and while all my friends were heading over to the dance party in Jenks Library, I shuffled up the stairs with a sigh. I wanted to go to bed. I was exhausted, I had been all week.

But then... there is something peaceful about Barrington at night.
I got into the studio. I shuffled around a bit, not really sure what I was doing. And then I grabbed paint. I grabbed brushes. I grabbed tracing paper, transfer paper, and an x-acto knife. And I started to work.
I'd forgotten how much I love being in that building at night, with no one else around, just me, my art, my music, and God. One of the few places you can really think and be alone on campus. So I thought and I worked and the ideas came and the process flowed. My iPod was on shuffle and provided the soundtrack, ranging from David Crowder, to Elvis, to the Ramones, to Deathcab, to Regina Spektor. Just my art and me and no distractions.
And it felt so good, so fulfilling and I'd forgotten that. I'd forgotten how much I loved to just create, because in the hustle and bustle of recent weeks, I feel like there has been much more destruction, things cracking, breaking, then there has been creation, building up. And I remembered once again how good I felt, how satisfied. How I was meant to make art.

At 12:49, I was finished. My new piece, while no masterpiece, was a vast improvement over the first. And I felt good. And as I walked back from Barrington to Ferrin in the warm spring air, I couldn't help smiling. It seemed silly, walking along at 1 am, iPod still playing, in the dark, grinning to myself. But I couldn't help it. I just felt good.
And I got back to my dorm, and I crawled in to my bed and went to sleep. And then I slept until 10, which was a miracle itself.

So, while this week was hard, I made it. And it ended well, and all those little cracks that were appearing so quickly earlier are slowly being filled in.

Life is beautiful. God has blessed me.

Homes Collide

This is Tory. This is me (Ryn? Kate? I'm not sure again.)
These are our best faces.

I love her. She makes me not be as afraid of summer. And she somehow managed to make it three hours south with no license and eight million obstacles just to see me.

First, the Amtrak tracks flooded.
Second, they missed the bus.
Third, the bus she could get on was going to the station I had no idea to get to.
Fourth, it all worked out.


Tory is 17, a junior in high school but no one here seemed to notice a difference between her and the college students. Whether that is a compliment to her or an insult to my friends here, I'm not sure. But can I tell you how relieved I was she came? I generally hate going home. I won't go into details why. But having home come to me? That I'll take any day.

(Except now, Gordon is more my home than Boothbay. But I guess I'm willing to admit pieces of my heart may still be in that coastal Maine town.)

She came and we talked and she met my crazy friends. We went out for dinner at 10 at night and then to watch the waves and then to just drive with no destination. And we were happy.

I really like being happy.

Pictures Speak 1,000 Words

So here's several from Easter Break...

Excited Ramblings

I am almost there. I am almost to a break in the nonstop life that is college.

I have observing to do tomorrow, time to spend watching an art teacher interact with her students, something I no longer plan on doing. And while I believe that the teacher I am observing is one of the best high school art teachers I have ever heard about or met, the time has become meaningless. I am not going to do what she does. I do not have a passion for teaching. And teaching without passion is poison to the future. I mean that, even if it does sound dramatic. I do not know what I am doing with my life yet, but I am alright with that. And at least I have figured out something that I am not doing.

After I observe tomorrow, I only have to get through my Illustration class before I am free. Illustration is two hours long on Thursdays, which is shorter than Tuesdays and I really am enjoying the project we're working on currently, so this should be no burden.

Whether or not it is a burden, it is still an obstacle. And I can not wait to overcome it, in hopes that this weekend will be phenomenal. I really don't see how it could not be, I'm spending it with three of my favorite people in the entire world. I am spending Easter at Rachel's house with Zach and Austin.

Rachel, Zach, and Austin. I would trust these kids with my life. I trust them with my secrets. And any time we get together is time I value. They value me, which is something I'm still not used to. I still do not understand that some people actually want to spend time with me over others. Life here is so different than high school.

This weekend is most definately going to be interesting. We are going down to Rachel's in New Jersey, for Easter, and her birthday. We will meet lots of family and friends. We will stay up too late and when we get back, we will probably wish we had a vacation to recover from our vacation. We will probably do stupid trivial things as well as get involved in some pretty serious conversations. I wish I could tell you how happy I am that I'm going. I feel like a semi-bad daughter for not wishing I could go home, but Boothbay doesn't love me like these people do. Its different and its new and its refreshing.

Life is good and I am blessed. Many things go wrong... many things. But more things go right. And, as Zach reminded me today, God is in control and He knows what He's doing.

What's in a Title...

The title of this blog is a quote.
"I don't think you'll ever be satisfied."

People have asked me if it was a quote from one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies or something like that, probably because I had it artfully displayed on my myspace page beneath a black and white photograph of various pirate memorabilia I own.

In truth, it comes from a much less well known source. My English teacher in high school said it to me one day towards the beginning of my senior year. I don't really remember much of the context. I said something, she said something, I said something else and she said:
"Kate, I don't think you will ever be satisfied."
I was surprised by how true her words seemed. I may be happy someday, but that is clearly different from being satisfied.

And now, I'm dropping the Education major and I've no idea what I'm doing with my life. I am seeking satisfaction. I am seeking the impossible.

Lead of Love

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee

-Caedmon's Call-

Welsh Week.

Here I am, finally expressing the details about one of the most amazing weeks of my life. Its strange, Wales was one of the most important things that's ever happened to me yet for some reason since I've gotten back, I really don't think I've talked about it all that much. I think the details are so expansive, I sometimes don't know how to keep it short.



So here goes, a summary of my trip:
We arrived in London at some evening time and began our 3 hour drive out to the church we were staying at in Pentrebach, Wales. It was dark by the time we reached the country of Wales but looking out at the dimly lit villages, I could tell I was already in love with the place.
We got dropped off about a block away from the church because the roads are to small for our bus to travel up. We carried our duffel bags up to the church in silence, and inside found a poster welcoming us:The next day we had tea time hosted by the church we were sleeping at and met some wonderful people. Everyone in Wales is just so gracious, its amazing.

On Sunday, we ran the church service. Its amazing how excited the Welsh get when the Americans arrive. Unreal. After church, a Welsh family took me and Marissa to their home for lunch, where they gave us way too much delicious food and I thought I was going to explode. Afterwards, we went on a beautiful walk

The next day was Monday, and we began our non stop week of assemblies in various schools in Wales. These were done in public schools (because you can do that in Wales). We'd open with a song (like Allelu Allelu Allelu Alleluia, Praise ye the Lord!... which sometimes they'd sing in Welsh) and then we'd do a skit about Esther with the song I've got Confidence built in, and then another song (Deep and Wide) and then Amanda would give a mini-testimony. Afterwards we'd get to go into the classrooms and answer any questions the kids might have. They were so cute... here are a few of my favorites (under the photo of us at the last school we went to).
Are you in the film industry? (apparently all Americans are.)
Do you know a lot of gangsters?
Do you believe in God and Jesus? (YES)
Is the Terminator really the governor of California?
Do you want Hilary in '08?
Can you count to 10 in the American language?
Do you know where the Tipton (from the Suite Life of Zach and Cody) is?

Also, my group got to go into comp (high) schools as well. There we'd get to teach an RE (religious education) Class. We'd begin by doing a sort of Whose Line? skit, where one of us (either Jeremiah or Alun) would be the host of a party and we'd give 3 kids from the classroom ridiculous fears to act out (fear of touch, fear of food, fear of light, fear of walking). Then we'd have them shout out childhood fears and after that we'd have them write down their current fears. To this we got some interesting responses, ranging from blood, to dying, to not being accepted, to "the girl in the green jumper" (ie me). Then we'd break into small groups, which is where the really interesting discussions happened. We'd talk about our fears and how we deal with them and I'd say how my faith has helped me and things could get very interesting and very deep very quickly, since none of these kids were Christians.


We also got to do some tourist-y things, like visit Caerphilly Castle!

We spent some time working with the church kids and I have so many stories I could tell...
The last night we hosted the youth group event and also got involved in some amazing conversations. At the end, we really did not want to leave...
It was so hard saying goodbye to all the kids and to Alun, the youth worker and most amazing man alive who helped us throughout the week...

After Wales, we went to London, got a bus tour, and then, due to snow in Boston, got to stay 2 extra nights, giving us time to chill out in the city.



I wish words could express how amazing my week was...

Save the Wales!

I'm going to be in Wales on a missions trip until next Saturday.
I will tell you all about it when I get back.
Pray for the team, it would be appreciated.

Labels I Have Worn

I label people. You label people. We all label people and get labeled. It's inevitable. I have been labeled both correctly (pig, Christian, lazybum) and incorrectly (genius, anorexic, teacher's pet). Most of the correct labels I've welcomed and even encouraged. The incorrect one's generally get me pretty annoyed, even if some (ie. genius) may be seen as flattering. Here are three of the labels from my past, which are neither wholy correct or incorrect, but each very important.


JesusFreak
This was me in middle school. A full out 100% Jesus Freak. This is back when I lived in Jersey, fifth and sixth grade. I was marching to the beat of a different drum then the rest of my grade (save for Alex and Amanda who were JFing right there with me) and I was damn proud of it. With a WWJD bracelet around my wrist and Jesus' love in my heart, I was the continuous inviter of the masses to the after school group R.O.C. (Reach Out for Christ). I'd scrawl dcTalk lyrics in my notebooks and nothing made me happier than when someone would call me a JesusFreak. When everyone else was naming their favorite band as Blink182, I would proudly declare the Newsboys ("Oh, they're a Christian rock band. Yeah, Christian ROCK. Its awesome.") as mine. I had about 10 WWJD bracelets in assorted colors, I tried to use my F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely on God) pencil as much as possible, because shoving my believes through things like pencils and bracelets seemed like the best option at the time. I would debate with people (I can remember one girl asking me why I'd want to do what Jesus would do, why Jesus didn't want us to be our own person, and me trying to get through to her that Jesus always made the right decisions and we should decide as He did.). I'd have it out with my Catholic friends (of which there were many, even Alex was a Catholic) about their habit of praying to Mary. And for awhile, it worked beautifully for me. Amanda and I carried around metal crosses in our pockets, which we'd pull out during times of trouble (like the oh-so-endangering history test). I needed everyone to know I was a Christian and everyone did. And I was extremely satisfied with life. But with the move to Maine, I was tired of being constantly rejected and I didn't want the first impression everyone had of the new kid to be a bad one, a kid you avoid. So I can remember running one of my WWJD bracelets through my fingers as I got ready for the first day of school in Boothbay and then finally putting it away, deciding to live my faith in a quieter, less agressive way.
I still don't know if that was the right choice.

Bitch
This label was first pressed on me freshman year of high school, I believe. The two people who were then my best friends had stopped talking to me and started avoiding me and I had no idea why. After a lot of work, I pressed it out of one of them in an IM conversation.
"You were being a bitch."
Oh. Wow. Okay, so that hurts. And I was angry, not because of the label, but because they hadn't told me sooner. Now if anyone who wasn't around during that time of my life is ready this and thinking "Oh poor Ryn (or Kate or whatever you know me by)!", don't. Because they were right, I was being a bitch. I was pushing those kids around like they were my property. I was mean and nasty and bossy and abusive. But I genuinely didn't realize it was bothering them. I know, I'm an idiot, right? Yes. But now they'd told me and everything became so much clearer. It still was painful to realize that's who I was and while some of us may throw the word "bitch" around, there are few things more hurtful than when one of your friends labels you as thus and truly means it. So now that I had the label, I had to do something, right? Well I did lighten up on my friends a bit. But I was still me, so I still hit and snapped at people. Only now, I was the one to use the label "bitch". If I said it first, it had no power when other people said it. Normally if I used it on myself, people would come to my defense rather than agreeing with me. I think this was worst during freshmen and sophomore year. Maybe. After that I still wasn't happy-go-lucky, but I was just generally pessimistic instead of attacking individuals.

Pessimist
I cannot tell you how hard I fought this at the time. Voting for Senior Superlatives was going on and somehow my class had determined I should be the lucky girl labeled as Class Pessimist. Everytime I saw someone filling out their voting ballot, I would beg them not to put me as Pessimist. I didn't want it, didn't see myself as that. I even had my friend Wade right me undr the Optimist category hoping the two would cancel out. I had a campaign against my pessimistic label going and I lost.
And then I changed my mind. If they were going to label me as Class Pessimist, I would accept and embrace. I paid more attention to the words I used and realized they were pretty accurately labeling me anyway. I let them take my photo for the yearbook and then let them pay for their choice.
"Kate, why are you in such a bad mood?"
"Hey, you voted me class pessimist, I'm just trying to live up to the title."
I still use it as an excuse for my negativity at times. Its become part of me, despite my earlier fight. I don't mind it. I don't think I really am pessimistic, I do have good days, good friends and an overall good life. I just talk pessimistically and you know what? I love it.

Three Fourths

We are three quarters of the way through this school year.
Just stop and think about that for a second.

Freshman year of college has got to be one of the most eventful experiences in anyone's life. Eventful isn't the word I'm looking for... I mean in terms of changes, changes of outlooks, changes of location, changes in friends...

Changes in friends. That's an interesting one. After orientation week, many people clung to what they knew, clutching one or two orientation friends, and the LaVida kids clinging to one another. Slowly as time went on and we were finally able to meet the people on our floors, in our classes and our roommates (did any one else have very little time to talk to their roommates during orientation week?), we realized that the people we gravitated so quickly to may not be right for us and we may not be right for them. So we shifted. And we are still shifting, but settling too. We are finding our places here, finding the people who need us as much as we need them.

That is an important aspect isn't it? "People who need us as much as we need them"? None of us wants an uneven friendship. Its generally painful when you find out the person you considered your closest friend holds someone in higher regard than yourself. That seems to sum up my high school experience to be honest. Among other words and phrases that I throw around without fully meaning them (such as the ever popular "I'm going to kill you" or the more colorful "I'm going to gouge out your left eye"), was the phrase "Best friend." I can't tell you how many people I've labeled my "best friend," but I can tell you that it's been way too many. I go with the feeling at the time. If I've just told them one of my secrets, I label them best friend as quickly as possible, because a best friend would never betray, right? If we've been spending a significant amount of time together, I label them my best friend. And I never revoke the title. I still consider nearly all the people I've labeled best friends to be my best friends, even if I haven't seen them in years. Rather absurd, I know.

I suppose maybe I need to be more thoughtful and purposeful with my words and only say what I mean. But as I've learned over and over again, I am terrible at changing.

A New Start

I know, like I need another distraction right?

But for some reason, I wanted a new blog. I had a xanga, but it had so much... history and nonsense and I only wrote on it when there was something I wanted people from Boothbay to know. So down with the old up with the new.

Today...

I knew it was going to be a bad day when I woke up with "Seasons of Love" in my head (yes, it's still there). Follow that up with some hum-drum classes and this morning was... less than fabulous. But things got better, which they always do despite the fact that I never believe they will. The class of 2006 labeled me as their Class Pessimist and I have definately lived up to the title. Now I'm sitting here wondering how faithful I'll be to posting on the blog or if anyone will bother reading it and wondering if I actually care, since I'm doing this for my own gratification anyway.

I suppose I'll (and you'll) just have to wait and see.
I hate waiting.